really missing in action indeed!

after my last post, i sank into moderate depression... i diagnosed myself while studying for my supp paper, one of the topic was mental health..lolz!

To be diagnosed with 'major depression' need to have at least 1 symptom of Category A and 3/4 of Category B.

Cat A : - oberservable sadness
             - apathy, loss of pleasure of life

Cat B : - fatigue
             -weight loss/ weight gain
             -suicidal ideation
             - self-condemnation
             - negative thoughts
             - insomnia/hypersomnia

Impt : Symptoms persist for 2 weeks, for me, it's only 1 week plus..so i diagnosed myself with moderate depression..heh

just listed some from cat B..those are some of the symptoms that experienced... it's scary, trust me, never felt so dark and helpless before, i remembered telling myself, why would people think of killing themselves? it sounds so impossible! Not to say i want to kill myself..but i remembered thinking, how good it is if i can just die right now...cant take it anymore...everyday..the lost sense of purpose, the helplessness & trying so hard to think positively. Most people are oblivious with what im going through, only a few close ones know. One
of my close frens told me, i can feel your burden and heaviness. I still try to smile to people and talk to people. I dont want to 'infect' others with what i felt. Also, i know in my mind that i shouldnt feel like this, where is my faith? the more i tried to rationalise, the more i felt confused
and messed up. Theoretically, i know i what i should do or feel. But what i felt at that time was so real, it's undeniable. Little things made me felt rejected or irritable. Little things from people created an outburst of negative thoughts. Worst of all, i accepted that thoughts. I need to deal with it before it breaks me!

Throughout this time, i'm very much withdrawn, just felt like being alone, thinking bout loads of
stuffs. At the back of my mind, i was worried bout my supp paper, i cant concentrate and study in that state.

I was confused, i didnt know what im going through..if God is trying to teach me sth, i kept on praying that He will reveal it quick! Cant take it anymore..

Perfect timing indeed, the messages from the pastor that few weeks spoke to me, about accepting disappointments in love, God's love, surviving storms of life...etc.
it's like inside me, i have no strength to get up anymore after falling....
Soon, one day it just hit me, i need to do something, i cant let this go on...I must seek God till i find Him...

went to a river nearby (some ppl thought i was going to jump..haha), had a quiet time..and began to write down whatever i felt, sth like a letter to God. Applying what i learnt from encounter weekend, i began to write God's letter for me. Initially,
i wrote one sentence, my mind went blank. I said to myself, this is ridiculous, how would i know if He is the one writing, maybe im just convincing myself with my own thoughts? I prayed, Father, i desperately want to hear from You, i commit my pen and hands unto You. Faith can move mountains, so i believe by faith that You are the one writing to me. Then i started to pen down one word. Ended up writing 3 pages, I knew it was Him, cause as i read back, it's not sth that i would write. And when i finished one sentence, another sentence just appeared in my head, one by one. 
i cried as i wrote down the sentences. The feeling of comfort and God's love were overwhelming.
I never felt so loved and peaceful and joyful before. I cant even remember the last time i felt that. Basically, im drunk with love that day. That day, it all came clear to me, why im going through this, what are the issues that i have to deal with, what exactly happened..
It's true what my fren said, when you receive God's love, nothing else matters. I never thought i had this problem, receiving 'complete' love from God. As i think back, i realised i found it hard to love people and accept people as who they are sometimes. Hard to love. It's the root of my problem. Other problems 'spidered' from that. Lolz! 
problems such as self-worth, rejection, self-conciousness, disliking myself. WAsted too much time focusing my weaknesses rather than maximising my strengths. Seriously, im good at nothing, that's what i thought all this while. After that encounter, i went home, went to youtube and listened to Joyce Meyer's message on loving yourself enjoying your life..sth like that.. it just fueled me with the determination to keep going. I've found a renewed strength to counter the thoughts and discipline my mind everyday. 
I need God everyday to renew my mind. Where the Mind Goes, the Man Follows. It all starts in the mind and a change of perspective. Then, your action will change.

It may sound like a tiring and endless battle, having to control what you are thinking everytime!
But it actually freed me. things that bother me dont affect me anymore. Learning to love myself each day, as the verse says, love your neighbours as yourself, if
i cant love myself, it's hard to love others.

Im not there yet, but it's a journey, and im anticipating the journey. there's a season for everything. I remembered reading ecclesiastes, there's a time to break down, a time to build up.
What i have just gone through, it's my breaking point. it leads to the building up of faith, character and strength. No doubt, i cant trust my feelings sometimes. I need to hold on to the promises of God. If He says he'll never forsake me, He NEVER will. He is always there for you. I just need to break through the lies of the devil and continually seeking Him, even though i cant feel him. The results will come when you press on. Yes i do get frustrated waiting, wondering, is He real? Is He gonna do what He has promised?
But it's a choice, I chose to hold on and wait, and He will defnitely come through at His own timing. His plans are good! No experience will go to waste, i believe every big or little things that im going through or will go through will shape me into the person that HE created me to be. It's a tough and mysterious journey but satisfying and fulfilling indeed. Ironic eh? 

just a summarised version of what im going through:) Few more other issues..but need to go..update again soon